Chasing the third chapter...

Getting to old age love

2011-07-10T18:30:00.004-05:00

Richard and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary about one month ago. 30 years does seem like a long time, and I know we've a ways to go before our time together comes to an end.

Has it been an easy 30 years? Well...of course not. The miracle is we still have a strong love and appreciation for each other. This isn't the first marriage for either one of us. If someone had told me thirty-two years ago that I would meet someone with whom I would spend (hopefully) the rest of my life, I would have said, "Oh, boy, do I hope so!"

I really hope we make it to old age together. There is something about getting there and still caring for and appreciating each other that seems so rare nowadays. Beginning with my own generation, marriage has become a take-it or leave-it proposition for some people. Yes, there are times when divorce is necessary. Far be it from me to preach about what is right or wrong. It's a personal choice between yourself and God and your mate. Still, it will be a loss, like a small death, a story that comes to an end.

Sometimes, we have the choice made for us, thanks to today's divorce laws. So this makes it even more rare when people get to old age love. To that stage where you can look at the other person and know what they are thinking. To that point where your other does something which irritates you and you just say to yourself, "ahh, yes, that's just him being him." To the minute where he's sick and you suddenly think about what life would be like without him. How hard it would be....how different...how empty.

So where did this musing come from? Yesterday, I read a poem by Wendell Berry that speaks to me so beautifully of old age love. It's called "The Blue Robe." Enjoy.

The Blue Robe

How joyful to be together, alone
as when we were first joined
in our little house by the river
except that now we know

each other, as we did not then;
and now instead of two stories fumbling
to meet, we belong in one story
that the two, joining, made. And now

we touch each other with the tenderness
of mortals, who know themselves
how joyful to feel the heart quake

at the sight of a grandmother,
old friend in the morning light,
beautiful in her blue robe.
~ Wendell Berry

Nightmare on Lake Shore Dr!!!!

2011-06-28T09:34:00.004-05:00

Yes, it feels like a nightmare right now. I feel as though I am dragging myself from one task to the couch, to the next task, back to bed, etc.

We are preparing to move to North Carolina. In this effort, we are putting the house on the market next week and our preparations have included a myriad of tasks where I must work through clutter (clothes, dishes, yarn, household items, junk) and make decisions on where they should go (Salvation Army, consignment shop, EBay, Craigslist, give to family (I'm sorry!), storage unit, TRASH, or keep!).

I am exhausted! And I know this is just the beginning. Richard has been a tremendous help since he was terminated from his position (another story) 4 weeks ago. He has painted, lifted, organized, helped me keep track of EBay sales (I can't believe how confusing this is! FPS, I used to conduct statistical analysis. Now I can't even figure out a statement from EBay!). I could never have done this without him.

However, we can't go on forever without his working, at least until he is ready to retire in 2 1/2 years. Even then he wants to keep working, as he is a high energy person (a nice contract to "lay on the couch, can't even lift my arms to knit some days" me, huh?

Sorry to be such a downer today. I just needed to whine a little! Just need to focus on the abundance and blessings in my life. But what I wouldn't give for someone who would just come in and take over all this crap, weed it out, and pack it up! In my dreams!

2011-06-26T21:20:00.000-05:00

This is my daughter. Isn't she beautiful? Mother to 8 children. Training to be a fitness trainer (is that right?). Looks nothing like me, but I am SO proud of her!

My personal, guilty pleasure!

2011-05-15T07:28:00.002-05:00

OK, I admit it. I love to sleep on ironed sheets. No, I don't iron them everyday, but when I wash them, I iron the pillow cases, and the edges of the top sheet to smooth out the inevitable folds that occur while drying.

The reason I do this (when I should be conserving energy b/c of my CFS/ME) is the luxuriously smooth feeling the sheets get when they are ironed. Years ago, I lived with a friend of my parents for 6 weeks while awaiting my wedding to Ron. Isabelle Hugo taught me how to iron sheets (yes there is a certain way to do this to make it easier). Although she has since confessed to me that she no longer irons her sheets, I experienced the pleasure of sleeping on ironed sheets again a couple of years ago, when Richard and I spent a night in a B & B in southeastern Iowa, on our way home from a Christmas visit with family.

Then, I recently found this information on a blog. The blogger said she got the recipe from a Macy's department store saleswoman. And it works. If you have a front loading, high efficiency washer, you will have to pour the vinegar directly on the sheets since your detergent dispenser won't hold a cup and a half of vinegar.

Drying the sheet on permanent press (I use a low heat setting and dry them a little longer) also contributes to the smoothness of the fabric. It feels just like the sheets have been ironed. Here's the recipe:

1 1/2 cups cheap white vinegar
1 tablespoon detergent
Warm wash
Warm rinse
Extra rinse
Perma-press dry

Want to hear another guilty pleasure? When I iron the sheets (or make the bed, after using the above recipe), I love to spritz the pillow cases and the edges of the top sheet with a lavender spray that I get from Prairieland Herbs (look for body and linen mist). The scent lingers for at least a couple of days and makes me relax, instantly when my head hits the pillow!

Now if I could just figure out how Hilton Hotels manage to make their towels smell so good, feel soft, and yet absorbent! Anyone know?

What I'm reading...when I can concentrate

2011-03-14T09:48:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know I have not posted in months. This winter has been a tough one for me, between trying to keep up with my small efforts at volunteer work, a couple of bouts with the flu, and the whiplash I sustained after a car accident at the end of January. Recently, while exercising in the pool, it appears I have strained or sprained my right ankle. The beat goes on...and on...and on.

I've been reading a book with a rather provocative title, "How to be sick." by Toni Bernhardt. She was diagnosed with CFS/ME after an episode with the flu, much like I was. Her premise is that there are Buddhist principles which can help those who deal, on a daily basis, with chronic, debilitating illness.

Here's a link to her story, in brief. Toni is worse off than I am, being pretty much bedfast most days, and housebound almost constantly. She talks about the things she has missed and has had to learn to manage in other ways. The chief thing that impressed me was her use of technology to reach out to her children and family.

Can I say, if I were in her position, I don't know how I would cope with that disconnect from my children and grandchildren. I suppose you do what you have to do. Just yesterday, I got to hold my new grandson. How do you replace that with technology? How do I replace the hugs and kisses of my grandchildren, their smiling faces when I see them? How do I replace seeing my children and the lives they have made for themselves, up close.

So, I just keep on trying to do these things, although I often am faced with pain for a week or more after I make the effort. I love them so much, I would miss the touching and holding, the seeing and the listening in person.

Goodbye, 2010!

2010-12-31T07:42:00.005-06:00

Honestly, where did this year go? And what do I have to show for it?

I've heard that after 50, time goes faster because it's all downhill. Such a negative phrase. In fact, I believe that negativity is one area where I've made some strides this year. Until this year, I never really realized how focused I was on negativity. A dear friend helped me to see this by encouraging me to focus on my blessings. And I do have SO many of those.

In a text titled, "The Return of the Prodigal Son", Henri Nouwen talks about gratitude as a discipline or a choice. "I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of complaint. I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized, even when my heart responds in bitterness. I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly. I can choose to listen to the voices that forgive and to look at the faces that smile, even while I still hear words of revenge and see grimaces of hatred."

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus. Colossians 3: 16-17

I do feel as though I have come a long way in making this change this year. However, I still feel as though I need a transfusion of faith. I have let my relationship with my Lord dwindle away until I have no enthusiasm for it. I want to get it back and yet haven't had the energy or motivation to begin studying, reading, and thinking about this again.

Then, yesterday, my sister Connie told me about a Messianic vocal artist named Marty Goetz. He's been recording and writing for several years and I think I've heard of him . Long story short, I downloaded his album called Sanctuary from I Tunes and there it was...everything I was feeling....in a song titled "Breathe on Me."

The lyrics speak with such clarity on what I've been looking for:

Breathe on Me

The flame in my heart used to blaze with delight

But like sparks that rise into the skies, it vanished in the night

Now I long to once again

Burn for You as I did then

But to even try there’s something I must ask of You

I need You to...

Breathe on me, breathe on me

It’s been so long since the fire within

Burned bright and strong

Breathe on me, breathe on me

Like a gentle breeze, Lord I ask You please

To tenderly breathe on me

Blow, Spirit, blow

Come & fill this weary soul

In Your mercy send a holy wind and ‘til You do

I’ll wait for You to

Breathe on me, breathe on me

It’s been so long since the fire within

Burned bright and strong

Breathe on me, breathe on me

Like a gentle breeze, Lord I ask You please

Won’t You tenderly, breathe on me

It isn’t that I’ve lost my desire

It’s just that what once was a fire has dwindled again

And it needs to be kindled again, so

Breathe on me, breathe on me

It’s been so long since the fire within

Burned bright and strong

Breathe on me, breathe on me

Deep inside I know hiding embers glow

They could grow into a flame for all to see

If You’d only, if You’d only, if You’d only Breathe on Me

Words & Music by Marty Goetz & Wendell Burton

2010-12-27T13:02:00.008-06:00

I can't believe it's been 26 days since I last posted. New Years resolution - post more often!

We awoke this morning to a beautiful, winter wonderland. The heavy fog from last night clung to the trees creating a beautiful frosting that sparkled as the sun came up. I put some pictures of our house and surrounds on my Facebook account. But here's one just to whet your appetite.

Yesterday, we had a wonderful time with oldest son and his spouse & family as we gathered for a gift exchange and brunch. It was great fun seeing them. We were especially appreciative this year, since they will soon be moving to Missouri and we will no longer have any grandchildren here in the state. As brunch was ending, I began having an excrutiating headache along with a stiff neck. I slept all afternoon, but by 7:00 pm, I could barely move without excrutiating pain.

After a conversation with First Nurse and a recommendation that we head to the ER, my favorite place to end the Christmas holidays (NOT!). The doctor there called it tortocolis (fancy name for stiff neck!). After a shot for inflammation and another one for muscle relaxer, we headed home, arriving about 9:30.

This morning I still have the lump on my neck and a sore throat. But I did feel well enough to drive to the drug store for additional medication for inflammation.

What can I say? it's not a holiday without a trip to the ER. Richard was so wonderful, bringing me pain pills and water, along with ice packs/heat, etc.

I'm really looking forward to a slow week this week, to catch up after the busy holiday.
Still have a little knitting to do for January birthdays. I'm currently working on fingerless mitts for our granddaughter, Elana. I hope they fit. I have one mitt done and another just started, but these mitts go very fast. The yarn, Debbie Bliss Cashmerino DK is incredibly soft lavender and works up beautifully! This yarn came from my stash, so yeah, I scored a stash reduction with this gift!

I'm also using Laines Due Nord's Royal Cashmere in a cream color to knit Plymouth's Cabled Cowl for myself. I really need to get this done, since it's a good hat/cowl combination to keep my neck covered in this cold weather.

My only dilemma is what to do with all those leftover Christmas cookies. What do you do with yours? Or perhaps you don't have that many left!

It's beginning to look......

2010-12-01T21:09:00.008-06:00

Christmas knitting is in full progress. I have finished two projects and thankfully am able to re-purpose a couple of others that are nearly done. I might just finish all of my gifts on time this year! Wouldn't that be different.

First project finished is a set of fingerless mitts for my dear step-granddaughter, Elana. Elana has had her share of tough times this past year. She has a malignant brain tumor that is basically inoperable. However, God has smiled on this beautiful child and the tumor has stopped growing while showing virtually no symptoms. Praise God! She's been doctoring with St. Jude Children's Hospital, where the care has been excellent. She was recently told not to come back for a recheck for 6 months, a real sign of progress. I hope she likes these mitts. Made from beautiful, soft yarn, which is a mystery to me because I started these mitts a couple of Christmases ago for myself (I think it's a Debbie Bliss yarn). I hope Elana will get more use from them than I would have.

The second finished gift is for her brother, Ryan. I remember Ryan as this precocious little boy, not the tall, handsome 17 year-old he is now. Hard to believe he's grown up so fast. He lives with his father now, but we usually get to see him when we visit his mom, our daughter, Amanda, in Indiana over Christmas. Ryan's gift is a scarf, knitted in my own pattern (K2, P2 on the wrong side, K all rows on the right side). I went through my stash last week and found this gorgeous, variegated New Zealand wool from Ashford called Tekapo. It's a double knit weight. Thee scarf was an easy knit and I enjoyed working on it when I was too tired to do more intricate work. The colors are pretty, but I had no idea how striking the patterning was until I blocked the scarf this morning. The green makes a beautiful diagonal pattern through the other colors, making this scarf (I think) very special. I hope he likes it! The picture shows it as it is being blocked.

Finally, a stealth project for a certain, sweet granddaughter (who shall remain nameless for now) who is growing up too fast. This pattern is called Orla (my Rav link). The yarn (Spud and Chloe off white and Lorna's Laces Shepherd Worsted in Fresh) is so soft and spungey. It's going to make a great, warm hat. It's been an easy pattern to work on, too, in spite of the colorwork.

Time to get back to knitting! How are your Christmas preparations going?

Grateful

2010-11-25T06:57:00.004-06:00

In the past year, I've come to realize the value in replacing a focus on gratefulness for complaints. Sure, I have things to complain about: a brain that functions at the age of a 70-something woman (I'm 60), aches and pain, no longer being able to work, etc. etc. etc.

A friend of mine has helped me to see the benefit in focusing on the positives in my life. This also comes with learning to focus on the present instead of the losses/pains of the past.

I will spare you my list of things I am grateful for on this Thanksgiving Day. But I leave you with these questions? Would your life be better if you focused on the now? On all of the abundance in your life, instead of the things you think you "need." On all of the advantages you have? On all of your blessings?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today's your birthday!

2010-09-24T22:09:00.004-05:00

Happy birthday to my oldest son who turned 38 today! I CANNOT believe I have a child who is 38 years old (sorry, son!). When I think back over the last 38 years, I remember so much. First is the pregnancy. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I went to the doctor for a period that had lasted for three weeks. The bleeding continued until about 20 weeks. During that time, we made multiple trips to the hospital, thinking we had miscarried. Each time, they sent us home saying "you're still pregnant!"

Then there was the nausea. No, honestly it was really daily barfing. Every day I would get up, eat breakfast, and promptly lose it one hour later. Finally, at 5 months, (this is the embarassing part), I got so ticked off with the routine that I threw a perfume bottle at the bathroom wall and said, "that's it. I am not doing this anymore." And guess what? It stopped. Shortly after that, I felt the baby move for the first time. A little flutter here, a little flutter there. It truly was happening. I was so ecstatic. I made maternity clothes. I knitted a sweater. I made baby clothes.

Ron and I worked on the nursery, painting the walls, painting a chest of drawers and selecting a crib, a mobile for the crib, a changing table. But the greatest addition was the rocker we found in Ron's parents' basement. We cleaned it up and I sat in it regularly during the last few months, singing to my unborn child. We were so ecstatic that we were finally going to have a baby. We had lost a pregnancy 2 years earlier and had waited for what seemed an eternity to finally get to this stage.

At 6 months, I talked with my OB about natural childbirth and, when he refused to cooperate, we made the transition from this doctor in our hometown, Lancaster, Ohio to an OB in Columbus. Thus, we traveled to Columbus once a week for Lamaze classes as the end of the pregnancy neared. Chad was due on October 1, 1972. However, about 4 am on Sept 24, I woke because I had felt a loud "pop". Yup, my water broke. We called the doctor around 9 am, when contractions were coming more regularly. We left for Columbus soon after due to the 30 minute drive. However, Chad didn't arrive until shortly before 6 pm that evening. Ron was able to be in the delivery room with me and it made the trip to Columbus SO worth it. When Chad was born, I was in a daze (not drugs, but exhaustion), but I remember thinking that he looked a little like his dad and a little like me. Those long fingers, though, were definitely his dad's. We brought him home about 3 days later. Thus began my love affair with this beautiful child.

He was always such a good child. He slept well, was easy to discipline, grew like a weed (he's about 6 foot 7 or 8 inches now!). Now he's a grown man, successful in his work, a wonderful father. He is married to a wonderful woman, has two beautiful children and another one on the way. And I still love him with all my heart. Happy birthday, Chad!

One clue solved

2010-09-24T21:54:00.003-05:00

Since early summer, I've been dealing with increasing fatigue. Lately, it's gotten so that I wake at 5 am, breakfast, etc., back in bed at 7 am until 9. Then awake until 2 pm. Sleep until 6 or 7. During the time over the noon hour, I constantly feel like I will fall asleep if I close my eyes. It's getting worse every week.

This week, I visited one of my docs who told me, very frankly, "you look like hell!" "Gee thanks" I said! Then he tested me for a bunch of stuff. I'm thinking all the way home (trying to stay awake) that once again they will find nothing. But not this time.

My thyroid has, apparently decided to slow down...a lot. I start medication tomorrow. With any luck, I will be able to stay awake in the mornings and maybe the afternoons by the time my niece's wedding rolls around in mid-October.

We are so excited about going to this wedding. ALL of my family (with the exception of my sweet son-in-law, Dean) is going to be there. Pictures will be taken. I am just SO glad my doc figured this out. Fingers crossed that this will solve the fatigue problem!

A sock knit along with Through the Loops

2010-09-20T06:48:00.000-05:00

Hoping to have some warm Christmas socks, I have signed up for the Through the Loups Knit Along. I will be using Zen Yarn Garden Superwash Sock in Garnet, one of the sock yarns I received from the three month sock club. It's a wonderful yarn, soft, with a good twist that should show stitch detail well. Using size 1 (2.50 mm) needles, I got 7 stitches to the inch, a little lower than required. So, I will make the medium size, instead of the large.

Growing into my Age

2010-08-21T07:02:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago, I turned 60. It seems odd to be this old since, as a child, I only ever imagined what it would be like to be 50 at the turn of the century. I never gave much thought to what happens after 50.

I thought I would feel old. I do, but I believe it has more to do with my illness than my age. All around me, I see 60 year olds who are still very physically active. Admittedly, they work hard, but they do not have the muscle stiffness and weaving stride that I’m coping with.

I do see many people my age scaling back at work. Especially at businesses where they respect older people for the contribution they are able to make and find a place for them, even if they are no longer able to perform at the pace they once were.

So, getting old is a little different than what I had imagined, but mostly because of the challenges that come with ME, not so much the actual chronological age, for me.

The best part is being able to slow down. Not feeling like I have to get everything done that need to be done. The worst part is that my brain wants to do more, but my body just gives out before my brain is done imagining what would be fun! For instance, I wanted to take my granddaughters swimming several days when they visited a few weeks ago; but I knew the sun and heat would do me in, and that I must conserve my energy so that I could last through the trip to take them home.

So, I guess you could say my life is “smaller” than I ever imagined it would be at this age. I imagined being able to be more active in my church. I had hoped to pursue training as a lay leader, and perhaps join the quilt group. Now, I’m lucky if I can get through my errands when I spend the day in Ames. Days spent at home are most satisfactory because then I am able to rest when I need to.

Along with the limitations of age, however, has come a peace about the past. My life has had its ups and downs: divorce, child custody battle, unemployment, foreclosure, moving, returning to college, and death of a dear grandchild. I believe I have come to grips with each of these “demons” and have finally been able to quiet the emotions that used to bubble up when I thought of them.

Probably most significantly of all, I am at peace with my family. My family of origin wasn’t perfect, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need it to be perfect. No parent is perfect, but I believe mine did the best they could for the situation and knowledge present at the time.

I also know that I have not been the best of parents. I know this because I see the way my children interact with my grandchildren. They are more patient, more attentive, more involved with the children than I ever was with them. Whether this change is because they wanted to do better than I did, or because society is doing a better job of teaching the art of parenting, I don’t care. I’m just happy that my grandchildren can expect to live better lives than their parents and grandparents lived.

And that’s all we can hope for, isn’t it?

Bubbie and the Pea

2010-08-16T16:47:00.003-05:00

My three granddaughters (oldest girls from the "Michigan 8") visited in late July for about 11 days. We had so much fun with Sadie (aged 6), Cessalie (8), and Susanna (15/16).

One thing I love about the age Sadie and Cessa are at is the way their minds work. There were several times when one of them said something that nearly cracked up Papa and I (Susanna has given these moments in the past, too.) But the best story came out of one morning when the girls and I were laying on my bed watching PBS kids.

I have a chronic pain disorder (some combination fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, which BTW is now called myalgic encephalomyelitis) that has affected my sleep patterns especially over the last 6 or 7 years. We have a sleep number bed, which helped for a while. But I've found the greatest relief at night from one of those memory foam pads (about 3" thick). The thing creates all kinds of problems with our sheets, but I really notice the difference when I sleep somewhere else, without the pad.

So, we're lying on the bed that morning and Cessa says, "Bubbie (yes, that's what they call me and it's a whole other story. Believe me, I've tried to get the Michigan 8 to change to Nana but they just smile and shake their heads no), why does your bed feel so good?" I explained about the mattress and the pad and then spent 1/2 an hour demonstrating the controls for the air mattress and explaining to them that they were not allowed to come in Papa's and my bedroom and just run the controls up and down any 'ol time they felt like it. "It's not a toy. You may lie on the bed, but you cannot push the buttons on the control."

Of course the next question was why do you have all this extra stuff on your bed. So, I briefly explained that I had a sickness that gave me a lot of pain, especially at night and the bed set up helps me sleep.

Two days later, we're driving in the car and Cessa asks, "Bubbie, you know that story about the princess and the pea? Well, if someone put a pea under your mattress, could you feel it?"

ROFL! What was I to say (I nearly drove off the road, trying not to laugh out loud!). I explained that, no, I wasn't quite that sensitive.

Kids! I do love the way their minds work!

!! Whining Alert !! and other short matters

2010-08-15T15:30:00.004-05:00

OK, I'm about to whine. So, if ya don't want to hear it, don't read any further.

1. Since Friday, I am having severe back pain, especially when I wake up. I can hardly move, feel very weak all over. I don't think I did anything to get this started. My neck hurts, too, so I'm thinking it's time for a visit to my NUCCA chiropractor, Dr. Read. I am getting nothing done but sitting around and a few stretches when I wake up.

2. My neurologist gave me a new med for restless leg syndrome (and discontinued another one I had been taking for sleepiness). This med (Mirapex) is also used for Parkinson's (which makes a lot of sense given the amount of tremoring I've had since the day I visited him). So far ( last night and today's nap), I've noticed that once I fall asleep, I sleep very soundly. This isn't what is causing the back pain since the pain precedes the new med by 2 days.

3. My neurologist is running for State Representative to the Iowa House. What a hoot. I wish I had more energy to get out and campaign for him. His name is Selden Spencer and he's running for this district (Story County). Sure hope he wins. He's a good guy!

4. My baby grandson, Wes, is finally better. Every time one of my grandchildren gets sick, I am so scared that some aspect of what's vexing my life (a virus?) may be affecting them as well. I wish the research on this XMRV virus could go faster! The latest news is that the guy at CDC who has been the major bottleneck for viewing the illness as associated with a virus (his idea is that it's a mental illness - something like, "I don't want to work anymore"), has been removed from the CFS/ME research team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, rah! Also, FDA/NIH/DHHS has decided to release their study showing positive results for their XMRV study. It will be published some time in the next two months. This is such amazing good news.

5. I tried to share XMRV research with my internist Thursday and got the weirdest reaction from her, but this is another post (long story).

6. On the knitting front, not much happening. It's hard to sit for very long and knit. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I can start stretching and maybe do the recumbent bike for a bit.

For now, I'm going to relax in the recliner on the screened porch, where it's 80 degrees with a light breeze. Perfect!

In my father's words: terrorism and the Muslim faith

2010-08-13T08:23:00.008-05:00

In the last few days, I have received a couple of emails asking for help/action to convey a lack of support for a building to honor the Muslim faith, proposed to be built near the 9-11 site in New York and a stamp commemorating the Muslim faith. My reaction to both of these emails was not to forward the email rejecting both ideas to "all of my friends." Rather, I wanted to respond with my own concerns about what messages like this do to efforts to understand our Muslim brothers and sisters and honor their right to their own faith, as our constitution and Christianity admonishes us to do.

Then my own father said it so well earlier this week in an email response to one of the requests. He said it so well that I reprint it here:
**********************
"Today I got an email and it caused me to review my Christian faith and my understanding of Jesus' gospel. The email was about the new 44-cent stamp which the US Postal Service is putting out. The stamp celebrates a Muslim holiday.

The email continues a very negative view and encourages the public to not buy the stamp. The negative message accuses "Muslims" of terrorist attacks and names six incidents. The repetition of the word "Muslim" lumps all Muslims together with responsibility for terrorism.

I have a problem with this view.

1) I don't believe all Muslims are responsible for terrorism. The same as I don't believe all Christians are responsible for the Michigan militiamen who proposed killing a police officer to provoke a revolution.

2) As a Christian, what do I do with Jesus' command to "Love your enemies" (Matthew 5:43, Luke 6:27,35)? One thing I believe I should do is not pre-judge others by lumping them all together for crimes some of them have committed.

3) Hollywood and TV have used the old Immigration saying "Coming to America." What do we say to Islamic immigrants who come to America? Do we say that we have freedom of religion, but not your religion? Do we say that you can celebrate only the Christian religion?

These words stick in my throat. I'm not sure what the full answer is for persons of different religions in America, but I am sure it is not the answers in that email. The Arabic word Muslim literally means "one who submits to God." I will submit to Jesus' command "You have heard it said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy." But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you will be children of your Father in heaven."

***************************************************
We are all born into our families by chance. Some are Christians, others are Bahai, still others are Muslim. Some people do change from their family's belief, but most remain of the faith they were born into. Most of my friends are Christians, some are of other faiths, while some profess no formalized religion.

When we pass on emails such as the two I referenced at the beginning of this post, we simply serve to pass on the overgeneralization that demonizes those outside our faith. Yes, a FEW Muslims were responsible for the 9-11 tragedy. But there are thousands, perhaps millions of Muslims who do not condone what was done by a few. When we espouse an exclusionary way of belief, instead of inclusionary, we are not walking the path that Christ urged us to walk. We must seek first to love and understand, and above all not generalize from the sin of a few to the faith of many.

If you agree, please pass this on through love and understanding.

For the mother and child reunion is only a motion away

2010-08-03T17:02:00.012-05:00

For the past 12 days, my husband and I have had the honor of having our daughter's three older daughters stay with us. At age 6, 8, and 15, they represented an interesting mix of challenges and joys for us. The 6 and 8 year old were happy with coloring, movies, reading stories, and running through the sprinkler. The 15 year old (who used to do all those things when she visited us years ago) was more interested in playing on the computer, sleeping, and playing on the computer. They all did equally well at the outings we ventured on: our nephew's wedding (pictured above) Toy Story 3, the Mamie Doud Eisenhower birthplace home, and time with their aunt and uncle.

My daughter had earlier expressed a concern that the youngest child of the three (Sadie) would have difficulty being away from her for that length of time. I once suggested that perhaps it was she who might have difficulty being away from Sadie for that long. Actually, it was the 8 year old that was more verbal about missing her mommy and daddy and the rest of the family.

The girls were wonderful. They are such beautiful children that we turned heads and received winks from every grandparent we passed; knowing looks of how precious this time between grandparent and child can be. At church Sunday morning, the two younger ones marched up front with the rest of the kids for the children's time and Sadie, the youngest, was the first to offer help when the pastor asked. They were putting cans of food in a grocery sack for the local food pantry. When the pastor remarked that the sack was too heavy and asked what he could do with some of the food (like "share" the food, which was the theme for Sunday), Sadie's remark was, "Take some of the cans out!" (which brought a great guffaw from the whole audience).

The visit was SUCH a sweet time. Yesterday, I spent about 16 hours with them on a train from Ottumwa through Chicago, to their home. The enthusiasm from ALL 3 for the train ride was great fun to watch. They were plastered to the windows for a major portion of the trip, watching the scenery go by.

When we arrived at our destination last night a little after midnight, we woke two little girls, who were warm in dreamland beneath their blankies on their special pillows; told them we were "there" and handed them their little suitcases to carry out. Suddenly, after leaving the train, they saw their mother (my sweet daughter, Christine), dropped their suitcases and ran as fast as the wind to her screaming, "Mommy, mommy, mommy. We're home!."

And the sound of their voices....that sweet, painful sound of missing the most important person in their world and of the reunion with that person after days of waiting made everyone in the train station stop and look. At that moment, in my mind, I returned to a moment almost exactly 28 years earlier when my own daughter, Christie, ran across her father's porch to my arms after 6 months of separation. She had been taken from me on a charged trumped up by her father of abuse by her stepfather and given into the custody of her father and stepmother for 6 months. That day, after an awful court battle where the abuse charge was unfounded, she was returned to my custody to stay until she left at 18 for Fort Jackson and her new life in the Army. That day, I thought I would never hear such a sound as my own 7 year old crying out my name in that same, sweet painful voice. Last night, I did hear it again. And it still fills my heart and wrenches my soul.
(on the left is Chris' photo from earlier this year. On the right, she's in the middle, celebrating her birthday with Lemon Meringue Pie [no birthday cake with this little one!]).

I just figured it out!

2010-07-16T12:41:00.005-05:00

Last week, I blogged about the current brouhaha going on nationally over the link between XMRV and ME/CFS. For awhile, I thought the controversy was based solely on protecting the reputation of one of the researchers at the CDC. The other night, it came to me that there's a huge, huge issue that trumps Mr. Switzer's reputation and pocketbook.

If the CDC screwed up when the first outbreaks first occurred in the 80s, and the blood supply is now tainted with XMRV; if, indeed, this IS a contagious disease; what's going to happen if the federal government finally admits this is a contagious debilitating disease?

Lots and lots of disability claims for social security, is what. On a system that is already in questionable fiscal health.

You figure it out!

Hello, Dolly!

2010-07-12T06:20:00.005-05:00

I said hello, Dolly......well, hello, Dolly,

It's so nice to have you back where you belong.

You're looking swell, Dolly....I can tell, Dolly,
You're still glowin', you're still crowin', you're still goin' strong.

I feel that room swayin'....while the band is playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when.

So, take her wrap, fellas......find her an empty lap, fellas
Dolly will never go away, Dolly will never go away, Dolly will never go away again.

Hello Dolly tea rose
Summer 2010 garden

What's the hullabaloo all about?

2010-07-07T13:28:00.004-05:00

Dear Reader:

There is a political war going on in Washington over the research results surrounding recent efforts to find a cause for the illness that has been the bane of my existence for the last 22 years. In 1988, DH and I returned from a conference/personal vacation in Virginia Beach. We both came down with the flu. He got better (he has the immune system of someone from outer space) and I got very sick. Pneumonia, low grade fever, painfully swollen lymph nodes the size of my thumb, brain fog, inability to concentrate, and UNBELIEVABLE fatigue swept over me and lasted for months. I took a sabbatical from my work at the church for 3 months and was finally able to function at a low level, raising my children and going back to part-time work.

The disease has waxed and waned since then. It began to get worse after a series of stressful life events in the years after 2000. I tried partial disability/part-time employment; then returned to work full-time two years later. In 2007, my supervisor, noticing that I was constantly struggling with muscle pain and fatigue offered reduced hours. I went to 70% of normal hours. This allowed me to rest in the afternoons, but things just became worse. Later that year, I began noticing serious errors in the statistical analysis I was doing for my work. I had difficulty remembering research results in front of my customers, and increasing found that I was unable to organize my time and make simple decisions. I began loosing control of my life. I also suffered from headaches, lost my balance easily, and frequently walked into walls. Emotionally, I felt detached and on June 28, 2008 - I lost all hope of ever being able to function.

Those of you who know me know that this is NOT me. I have always been a high achiever. I loved the work I did at ISU. This was not an effort on my part to "get out of having to work!" That day, I admitted myself to the hospital to get some help. Over the next few months, all of the behavioral techniques they attempted to teach me were ones that I had been using for years (and were no longer working). Finally, I got in to see a neurologist and learned after an MRI that I had brain lesions "at such a level as to expect you were looking at the brain scan of a 70 year old woman." I was 58 at the time.

Subsequent testing ruled out multiple sclerosis. I believe I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. Researchers at the Whittemore Institute in Nevada have successfully isolated a virus (XMRV) in the blood of a large majority of a cohort of those diagnosed with chronic fatigue/myalgic encephalomylitis (CFS/ME). These results were further duplicated by two other research labs (one of which was Cleveland Clinic). The studies also found XMRV in the blood of nearly 4% of the control group, raising alarms about the potential health of the general population . Since then, 3 countries have issued statements that they will no longer accept donations of blood from patients diagnosed with CFS/ME out of concern for the health of the blood receivers.

There is a researcher at the CDC (William Switzer) who has staked his reputation on CFS being a psychological illness. He has developed a protocol for treatment that is basically a cognitive/behavioral approach. He believes teaching people coping skills and different ways of thinking will return CFS/ME sufferers to good health. Switzer has also probably made quite a bit of money for himself, as well as a highly visible reputation. The study his agency conducted chose to use different procedures to test samples from the Whittemore and (guess what) did not find XMRV in the samples. The paper from his study has recently been published.

Another study using the Whittemore samples was conducted by the National Institute of Health (NIH) and Food & Drug Administration (FDA) DID and find XMRV in a majority of CFS/ME sufferers and in 7% of the control group (non-diagnosed general population) (yes, I said 7%). Their paper was accepted for publication and was in galleys (final stage) when the CDC issued their results. Guess what happened. The CDC paper was allowed to go to publication while the NIH/FDA paper was embargoed (pulled back and not published). Do you sense the politics that are going on here?

So, if you've gotten this far in my blog, and are still interested (and like me, totally angry at the politics of this idiocy), please go to the web address listed below and sign the petition to allow the NIH/FDA paper to be released. There is also a suggested text to send to your federal representatives/any important people in Washington you might want to contact.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for anything you decide to do. I especially covet your prayers for not only myself, but also anyone facing this illness. There are children who have it who cannot get out of bed, they are so weak. I fight it everyday. Some days I have to give in and spend the day in bed. Other days, I go out and try to act normally. The next day I am so tired I can barely move. But life was not meant to be lived in bed. So, even if I have to pay, sometimes I play, knowing what is coming later.

At any rate, thanks for reading/listening!

Here's the web site: http://healthcare.change.org/petitions/view/xmrv_allow_science_to_progress

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It's one with a BIG O

2010-06-15T20:25:00.003-05:00

OK, so fess up time. This year on my birthday, my age will have a zero on the end. So, it's like one of those monumental times. Not as bad as my sixteenth birthday, when I decided I didn't want to be 16 (my dad heard me crying in my bedroom, came up, asked me what was wrong, and probably had to stifle a laugh as he ran back down to tell my mother. I am not making this up!).

So, the other day, I'm on Facebook, and I decided that I really don't want anyone to know how old I am. So, I go to my profile and change the date on my birthday to 2010. I get an error message, "You must be at least 13 years of age to participate in Facebook."

OK, bad idea.

Then I had another idea. Why not change the date each year so that I stay 39. So, I put my birth year in as 1969. That was easy, until I told DH about it and he informs me that I actually would be turning 41, not 39, if I leave it at 1969.

So I said, "OK, I'll go back and change it to 1971. Then next year, it will be 1972."

1972 is when Chad, my oldest child was born.

Bad idea.

Guess I'll just have to "woMAN-UP" and confess. I was born in 1950. You do the math!

29 and the beat goes on...

2010-06-13T21:20:00.008-05:00

No, this isn't a tribute to Sonny and Cher. Rather, it's a quiet evening and I've just spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with my special man, Richard.

Twenty-nine years ago today, we were married in Indianapolis, IN. It was a quiet family gathering in the chapel of the church where we had met. A soloist sang a Barbara Streisand tune (Evergreen) and a hymn (Be Still My Soul). I paraded in on Richard's arm, accompanied by my dear sisters, who stood up with us. We had readings from Kahil Gibran (The Prophet) and from Ecclesiastes (to everything there is a season). We used vows that we had written ourselves to pledge our love and promise to each other.

We were married by my father (a Methodist minister) and Craig Overmyer, a minister to the singles program where we met. We spent the rest of the day celebrating with family at Richard's house where I had recently moved with my 3 little children. We had Richard's three children that first night, as well as my three. Only a week later, my mother exclaimed on the phone, "Oh my goodness. We probably should have made sure you two were alone that night!" From there, well, it's been a challenge. Most second marriages are.

No actually, it's been a lot of hard work to make this marriage work. Richard and I are both the kind of people who want to stay married forever. We'd both been through divorces about two years before our wedding, mine for my ex's infidelity; his was an agreement between his ex and him that neither were happy (although her infidelity was a feature of that divorce, too.)

Our courtship had been lovely and so exciting. In fact I knew the day I met him that he was someone very special. Within weeks, I felt strongly that God was telling me to take this relationship very seriously. We became friends, then good friends, then....slowly we fell in love. Our decision to marry just seemed to come about naturally (although there was the requisite "will you marry me?" one evening in his family room.) We've shared a lot of hardship - putting six children (literally three sets of twins) together has never, EVER been easy. To this day, he is estranged from his middle daughter and rarely speaks to his youngest daughter. My children see him as a father figure, mostly because he was around all the time and their own father had little time for them.

And, he is a good man. Not perfect, but so giving when he wants to be. Down to earth, SALT of the earth kind of guy. He used to call himself "a country boy" when I met him. But have you ever met a country boy with three degrees? A farmer, turned seed plant manager, turned salesman, turned Extension Program Coordinator, turned quality control technician, now a roof bolter in a limestone mine.

We've been through job loss, bankruptcy, illness, child custody, separation due to job changes. And each of these seems to have just made us stronger. The day I entered the hospital two years ago, emotionally and physically breaking down. I called him, crying, saying I had admitted myself to the hospital and I was petrified. His words to me, "It will be okay, sweetheart! We're going to get through this." He visited me everyday in the hospital and by the time I left, I ached for him and our life together.

So, here's to you, Richard, and our 29 years together. With any luck, we'll both live long enough to get to 30..........and 40..............and maybe even 50. But please know, that you are the love of my life!

Songs of Roses

2010-06-12T08:24:00.007-05:00

Les Chansons Des Roses

It is we, perhaps, who proposed
that you replenish your bloom
Enchanted by this charade,
your abundance dared.

You were rich enough to fulfill
Yourself a hundred times over in a single flower,
Such is the state of one who loves...
But you never did think otherwise.

Against whom, rose, have you assumed these thorns?
Is it your too fragile joy that force you to become this armed thing?
But from whom does it protect you, this exaggerated defense?

How many enemies have I lifted from you
Who did not hear it at all.
On the contrary, from summer to autumn
You wound the affection that is given to you.
Overflowing with your dream, flower filled with flowers,

Wet as one who weeps, you bow to the morning.
Your sweet powers which still are sleeping in misty desire,
Unfold these tender forms joining cheeks and breasts.

I have such awareness of your being, perfect rose,
That my will unites you with my heart in celebration.
I breathe you in, rose, as if you were all of life,
And I feel the perfect friend of a perfect friend.

Abandon surrounding abandon, tenderness touching tenderness..
Your oneness endlessly caresses itself, so they say;
Self-caressing through its own clear reflection
Thus you invent the theme of Narcissus fulfilled.
~ Rainier Maria Rilke

(Barbara Streisand tea roses from my garden)

A new addition to the family

2010-06-11T15:18:00.005-05:00

Having grandchildren is one of the true joys in my life. Clearly, if it were not for them, this new chapter in my life would be so much less satisfying.

My children have done such a fine job of finding wonderful partners to share their lives. In turn, they have produced the most beautiful grandchildren (and I'm not just prejudiced. I've heard this from several people!).

So, it is with great pride that I announce our latest addition, Weston Cain Ray. Wes was born to my youngest son, Daniel and his wife, Marcy, on Wednesday, June 9 at 2:22 pm. Wes and Momma Marcy arrived home yesterday. Wes' big brother is Jake (pictured with him in the hospital).

I usually try to knit a blanket of some sort for my new grandchildren, although I'm the first to confess that I have not been able to do this for all 19 of them. Work and health have frequently intruded on this goal. I'm happy to say, though, that little Wes did receive his blanket ahead of time (can you believe it? AHEAD of time) this time.

The blanket was knit with Lion Brand Nature's Choice Organic Cotton, pattern is Lion Brand's Vintage Charmer Throw.

The pattern was an easy knit - a stockinette stitch center with a border in seed stitch. I used cotton because Wes lives in North Carolina and is a summer baby. Even with air conditioning on, NC is a very warm and humid place to live in the summer months. So, my hope was that this yarn would be warm without being too warm. And soft! It is SO soft and it washed beautifully, before I sent it off to his Momma and Daddy to await Wes' arrival.

Welcome to the family, Weston Cain. Congratulations, Jacob Theron. Way to go, Dan and Marcy. We love you all!

It's June and it's Friday!

2010-06-04T09:52:00.004-05:00

It's Friday, but I don't really feel like TGIF. Richard will be working tomorrow (and possibly Sunday) so it seems the days just run from one into the other. Lots of things to look forward to, though:
1. The birthday of my little grandson, Weston Cain Ray, hopefully any day now in North Carolina. We will be traveling there in a few weeks to welcome him and spend some time with his big brother, Jacob.
2. Troy's wedding in Valparaiso. I have to say, this is one guy who is so shy, I never thought he's get married. But it looks like he's picked a "peach" of a girl. I haven't met her yet, but really looking forward to their big day.
3. Also looking forward to that trip because I plan to bring home three of my favorite little girls, in the whole word (the fourth, already lives here in Iowa). Susanna, Cessa, and Sadie will (hopefully) be meeting us in Valpo and returning home with us for about 1 week. Then we'll make the trip home together on the Amtrak. I'm really looking forward to this. And seeing the rest of the Michigan crew. I hear the youngest, Scarlett, is walking. Hardly seems possible.!
4. My 60th birthday (NOT!)
5. Summer-long project: Ravelry. I am determined to go through the fiber room and get as much as possible entered into R., so that I have a better idea of what I have. This is going to be a MAJOR project. But, in the process, it should help me clean-up and organize the room as well as make decisions about yarns that I no longer want/need. These can be donated to Happy Hands or passed on in some other way.
6. Summer-long project: Organize Christmas knitting and get started.

I think that's enough. Now I'm going to get started (one can only steam clean the kitchen floor so many times).

Will someone one please be honest?

2010-05-21T14:18:00.004-05:00

Our church has an abundance of accompanists. I've shared accompanist duties for the Chancel Choir with another woman for several years. She (let's call her Margaret) has a beautiful touch on the piano and can play by ear as well as read music. She's a long-time member of the church and is going through a lot right now since her husband is ill with a chronic, debilitating condition. She als0 accompanies a couple of the choirs at the high school and, during the winter, coaches a few students as they prepare for vocal contest.

Here's the problem: Margaret can't count. She teaches her wrong way of counting to her students and to the vocal students she coaches. In addition, she is very vocal when she doesn't get something she wants. When I started accompanying the choir at church, she resented every time I "took her place" and let everyone know about it. It's been several years and this is still going on. Frankly, it's wearing very thin on everyone. And lately, quite frankly, I'm feeling a bit like I'm being used!

Lately, our choir director has begun combining piano and organ to try to cover up the incorrect rhythms Margaret plays. And the organ is played by (you guessed it) me.

Frankly, I'm gettin' really tired of this. I'm not a complainer, and I know the director does not want to hurt feelings. M. has given many, many years to the choir.

So, here's the thing (this is to my children and my husband): when I'm old(er) and can't keep up on the piano anymore, PLEASE tell me and suggest (tactfully) that it might be time to retire from my accompanying duties. I do not want to end up like Margaret. And I certainly don't want anyone else to feel "used" the way I am feeling right now!

OK, I'm done whining!

Baby Wes is due soon and his blankie awaits

2010-05-19T19:05:00.011-05:00

Last week, I finished the blanket for my next grandchild, Weston Cain, who is due any day. The colors were chosen based on colors his momma seems to love, since she uses them almost exclusively when she decorates (I really like them, too!). They're the colors of the ocean and nature - gorgeous blues, browns, and a few shades of green.

The pattern is from Lion Brand's website - Vintage Charm Throw . I t was a simple knit, which is really important for me right now, what with my current brain "challenges." I think the simplicity also made the color changes stand out much more. I used Lion Brand's Nature's Choice Organic Cotton, which has a nice twist and is SO soft. The pattern also features a seed stitch border, which should make for a nice texture for the baby. I've seen so many of my grandchildren who love to stroke their blankies. Hopefully, Wes will like this one also. The yarn is not machine washable, but his momma loves things organic. So, I know she'll take care in caring for the piece!

Wes will be my son and spouse's (Dan and Marcy's) second child and brother to Jake, aged 3. Marcy had a rough time having Jake three years ago, so we're praying for a simple, easy delivery this time.

Looking back on all three of my deliveries, I feel so blessed. Everyone of my children were born so easily, even the oldest (Chad) who took his time in arriving, but he was the first.

Other projects on the needles can now get going again. First up, a sweater for Lettie, the one-year old daughter of my Michigan daughter Christine. This sweater is going to be just so luscious. It's knit from a natural colored cotton and based on a pattern from Interweaves Knitting Traditions. The pattern was taken from some German miniatures and translated to make infant size 3 to 9 months. I've re sized it by using Knit Picks Simply Cotton sport weight. Will probably add some finishing touches at the neck and front lapels, when I'm done, much like Susan Levin did.

It's a little hard to image it as a sweater right now (in the picture, you are looking at the inside of the sweater, showing the right front and almost completed back.) The sweater is knit up and down, instead of from side to side like most patterns. This allows a simple P 1 row, K 2 rows, P 1 row sequence to result in these soft ridges, which should expand as this little one grows, at least for awhile (see third picture).

The last piece I want to show is a new project, which I am NOT going to start until this baby sweater and a few other things are done. Hannah Fettig has a new pattern called Wispy Cardi, which she offers as a kit on her store website, Knitbot. I chose the Malabrigo lace yarn (a soft, slightly variegated blue) to knit this in (it's much lighter than the picture below).

The kit came yesterday and it's taking all of my self-control not to start knitting right away. I may go ahead and at least swatch to get gauge, since I need to make sure I have enough yarn before it's no longer available in this dye lot. Don't get me started about Malabrigo yarn. It is SO beautiful (and SO tempting right now!). But I've promised myself to finish a few more projects before starting any more.

That's all for now. I think I'll go knit that swatch!

Mary, Mary, quite contrary; How does your garden grow?

2010-05-04T11:57:00.012-05:00

Ahhh! Springtime at last and my garden is blooming. Want to take a tour?

Last year, our Japanese cherry tree developed some type of disease and we lost it. It was on the northwest corner, at the front of our house - a very visible spot in the landscape. And it WAS beautiful when it bloomed. Gorgeous, lush, soft pink blooms. However, not knowing what killed it, we were pretty sure we shouldn't put the same plant back there. So, yesterday, I found a Wine and Roses Weigela (wi-jel-ah) (long i sound). It's really pretty, but it's a little limp right now. Hopefully, it will pull through. It has gorgeous wine colored leaves, something I was looking for this corner of the house. The blooms are like hot pink little trumpets. Hopefully, it will make it!

Last fall, Richard dug in some double-bloom jonquil bulbs. I've always been enamoured with jonquils and, although we have tons of daffodils on our back hillside (lakeside), I was on the lookout for jonquils. These bulbs did NOT dissapoint. This spring, Richard made the circles around the trees where he planted the jonquils a little neater and added mulch. The blooms are nearly spent, but you can get the idea here. Delicate little flowers with yellow centers. Really pretty!

There's also a new "man" in the kidney-shaped flower bed. Continuing my love of sun (and moon) faces, I found this cute garden art at Earl May yesterday. He makes a nice addition by adding some height to this bed and goes well with another piece behind the "black cauldron), which also carries the sun face theme!
Finally, still under the "new" heading, I planted the area around the mailbox again with tequila sunrise portulaca. I anticipate a major battle with the local bunnies and these portulacas. Last year, they nipped them off right at the ground two days after I planted them in same spot. However, this year I came armed to do battle with ta-da, Liquid Fence. It smells awful. I just hope it scares them away. (the other plant in the picture is a mystery. I just liked the color!). The portulacas also look a little limp, but should look better in a few days. They were over-watered (they like sunny, dry places so this is a great spot, so far from the water spicket on our lot!) when I got them home from the nursery.

Other blooming activity includes allliums, coral bells, irises and peonies all ready to bloom and my favorite - Dorothy Rose columbine (in my mum's honor), which was planted 5 years ago, died 2 years later, then resurrected itself last spring when we had such a wet spring. I love the delicate pink blossoms on these plants and hope they spread under the sand dollar bush that grows just east of our garage door. This version of columbine is very rare now since columbine strains aren't usually repeated from year to year.

Finally, another plant that reminds me so much of Mom, since this is her favorite scent, is Lily of the Valley. I planted 10 pips years ago. It took them forever to get started, but now they are sprouting up everyone in the front bed, crowding out the hydrangea and coneflowers. It's a constant battle to keep them from overtaking the bed. But, ohhh, when they bloom, they make the walk up the front sidewalk a royal treat for anyone visiting our house. The scent is just luscious. I plan to pick a few and put them in a little vase for the kitchen counter so I can enjoy them.

How's your garden growing? Happy Mother's Day! Happy Spring!

New coffee cup

2010-04-27T15:40:00.004-05:00

New coffee cup from Cafe Press. I just couldn't resist it, when I saw it. Of course, it isn't true....well, maybe...no. No! It's definitely not true! (hehe)

I believe there is more (my testimony)

2010-04-25T19:28:00.005-05:00

My life has been a lot like yours. I've had some wonderful, mountain top experiences. But, I admit there have been times when I’ve heard the phrase, “God never gives you more than you can handle” that I’ve looked up at God, shook my fist, and screamed “I’m not as good at handling this stuff as you think I am. Stop it, already!”

But my life has included some of the big ones: divorce, even though it was not my choice; single parenting; remarriage; a blended family of six children (who were NOT the Brady bunch!); a child custody battle where I lost my then 6 year-old daughter for 6 months; unemployment; foreclosure, holding my stillborn granddaughter in my arms. And some of you may have heard me talk about God’s steadfastness during these trials. How every time I couldn’t figure out how to manage, when things looked so hopeless, God found a way.

E V E R Y S I N G L E T I M E he had a plan in store that was better than I could ever have imagined!

So you may be a little surprised to hear that three years ago, I had forgotten all this. In fact, I had forgotten about so many of my blessings. I was working at the University, overloaded beyond belief, due to budget cuts and demand for services at the community research program I directed. The program took me all over the state of Iowa – something I loved, since my greatest joy was in working WITH people who are affected by public policy, as opposed to making and tracking public policy – the profession I was trained for years ago.

Yes, I was running at top speed. And I was loving (and probably hooked on) the speed and the good feedback I was getting from it. I felt like I had the best of two worlds: work I loved and work that provided a decent living. But, slowly, things began to change. I became overly tired and could never seem to get enough rest. If you ask my husband, he’ll tell you I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around sometimes (don’t shake your head too hard, Richard). I began noticing problems with a tremor in my hands and my head. My balance was changing, I began running into walls, my knees crumbled under me sometimes. Worst of all, in reviewing my work output, I found mistakes in the data analysis and writing that were an integral part of the work I was doing.

My response to all of this – work harder! As the saying goes, “say a prayer, pull up yer bootstraps, and keep on keepin’ on.” Then, on June 21^st, 2008, my world crashed. I couldn’t face work and life anymore. I drove to the parking lot at work, and I couldn’t get out of the car. I couldn’t go on. I felt like I was watching myself, but could ONLY watch. I could not DO anything.

God spoke to me that day and told me to get help. I literally heard him say "Kathlene, go to the hospital!" And I received wonderful help. My husband stood by me in a way that has given me a new faith in him and our marriage. Since then, I’ve been healing…my doctors have found lesions in my brain that pretty well explain the physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms I was and still am experiencing. I have had to learn to live my life at 5 miles per hour, instead of 75. I have had to learn to live with a unknown diagnosis and an uncertain prognosis.

But here’s the issue: As recently as a year ago, even though I knew of God’s love, though I believed I’d lived his plan for my life, I still felt empty a lot of the time. I wondered why God put all of the opportunities -- the work I loved, the scholarships and education I treasured in my path, if he was just going to snatch it all away 20 years later?

My doctors have said I should not return to work. And so I was left with wondering…is that all there is? Is this failure? What’s left?

About a year ago, I asked a friend of mine that very question. What’s the point if so much can be taken away in such a short time? He looked at me and said, “Kathlene, what’s left is love.”

In Psalm 139, we hear “Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast…..For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

In the Balti language of northern Pakistan, there is no word for failure - the closest equivalent translates roughly as "transition." I know that I am in transition now. I continually remind myself of God’s presence in my life through prayer and listening to a daily Bible reading. My life is not over. It’s true I still run into walls occasionally and sometimes come up some weird non sequiturs. My memory is gone, and I usually have to ask my husband what day it is.

Slowing down has helped a lot of my symptoms and I’m happy to say that the number of new brain lesions has slowed dramatically. I am able to play the piano, which gives me so much joy. I have 17 beautiful grandchildren and we’re anticipating the birth of #18 in June. I’m married to an amazing man and I belong to a wonderful community of Christians in this church. I have three wonderful adult children who are married to wonderful, fine partners.

I have SO MANY BLESSINGS!

And I know there is more….

I believe...God has the Power to heal and restore.

I believe he has the power

- to bring miracles into my life and yours,

- to create events so wonderful that we can never begin to

imagine them

- provide blessings so numerous, we could never begin to

remember them or count them.

Yes, today, I believe there is more in store for us all!

Testimony for “I Believe There Is More”

April 24 & 25^th, 2010

First United Methodist Church

Nevada, IA

I've never been a gossip, but...

2010-04-22T21:52:00.004-05:00

Had lunch today with a former grad student. Whew! I had no idea what has been happening at the university where I used to work, since I left. First, it sounds like my former department may be on the way out, due to budget cuts. Second, she's been experiencing some of the same symptoms I experienced 2 years ago, has been the "it's all in your head" route, and has finally accepted that she's suffering from work stress and anxiety. She was able to make some changes in her life (and she's 28 years younger than I), so hopefully she's going to be okay.

I'm missing the music. High school music, that is. Yes, it was getting to be a bit of a hassle at the end, but I enjoy working with the students so much. I guess it will give me something to look forward to this fall.

Knitting wise, I'm not making much progress, although I did start a top for myself this week (yeah, yeah, I know. No new projects...but this is so cute!). It's a short sleeve top with crocheted patches on the front and back yoke. ( think I just put a picture of it in this post, but I've never done this before.) The patches are supposed to be knitted, but the instructions were so complicated, I switched to a crocheted patch and it's going very fast.

I had a tooth pulled earlier this week and it still hurts like crazy. I think it should be better by now, but will give it another day before I call the oral surgeon.

This weekend is our contemporary cantata at church. A lot of people have felt that this set of music was too simple, but it is a set of contemporary tunes (many of them familiar) and contemporary tends to be a little more simple. However, that said, our choir director has woven them together with some very meaningful readings and testimonies (I'm doing one of the testimonies). I saw the dress rehearsal last night and wow! I think this is really going to lift people up.

Getting through my own testimony was hard. It was hard to put my whole history over the past two years out there, and even harder to talk about my faith. The testimony comes just before a song titled, I Believe There Is More, and that really is the just of what I say. I may post it here after the event this weekend. There were several people crying when I got done last night and the director gave me the thumbs up sign, so I guess I did okay. I just hope I can get through two performances this weekend without breaking down, myself.

Well, I'd better hit the bed. No nap today, and I am dragging. Richard is working tomorrow and Saturday, so I may be able to do some catching up.

Oh...what's that I hear? The frogs have begun the evening symphony on the lake. I may have to sit quietly in the dark on the screened porch and listen to that for a few minutes before I fall asleep!

the best Saturday morning

2010-03-06T11:07:00.003-06:00

We got up early this morning (6 am, early for a Saturday, anyway) and went to breakfast at Brueggers. Then hit grocery, health food store and library before coming back home. DH is going to head out on Monday to help our son-in-law again with the house he and our daughter are remodeling and selling. SIL, Mike, had hoped to be nearly done by now, but has fallen behind since DH left a couple of weeks ago and Mike's employer is saying he can come back to work anytime. So, DH will spend about 3 weeks there. It's a good deal, it keeps him busy, and he gets to spend some extra time with our grandchildren, a rare opportunity since they are teenagers now.

So, I will be batching it again for awhile. Just me and the kitties! Not looking forward to it, but I understand DH is probably going to go stir crazy if he doesn't find something to do pretty quick. And the extra $$ help with him still on layoff.

So...to continue the WIP (works in progress) list (you didn't think I was done did you? )
8. Blanket for new grandson, who is due in late May. I also have yarn to make a matching hoodie.
9. Cream, lace top started last summer from Knit Picks cotton yarn in a cream color. This is a very pretty top, and I really want to get it done before summer begins. It would be nice with slacks for church.
10. Knitting for the Etsy shop I'm still considering. This is a tough decision right now. I am so backed up with WIPs, but I find I abhor the thought of knitting for some unknown person. When I pick up my needles to knit something, it's usually for someone I love. That's the motivating factor, above all. So, I really don't know if this Etsy shop is going to be a great idea for me, although the extra $$ would come in handy.

Our church choir is again doing a cantata. This time, it's a much more contemporary collection of praise songs from a book called "I believe there is more." Jo, our choir director, asked me to give a testimony and I finally believe I am ready to do this. In fact, the title song will fit nicely with the theme of my testimony. More on this later.

For now, it's laundry day. Need to help DH get ready for his trip and get back to knitting his second sock. I did test the new Skinny Bugga I purchased for his second pair of socks, by knitting a swatch last night. Using #1 (2.25) double points, I nearly got gauge for the pattern I will be using, Anne Hanson's Longjohn Socks (click on link to see pattern website). The yarn, Sanguine Gryphon's Seaside Dragonlet knitted up much thinner and should satisfy HRH interest in a thinner sock that can go in his dress shoes.

Gotta go. The morning is nearly gone!

A new beginning; and old ending

2010-03-05T13:00:00.000-06:00

The last two years have been a difficult time. Not the MOST difficult, mind you. But, hitting rock bottom, finding out you have the brain of a woman 10-12 years older, that something is literally turning your brain to "mush" has been a challenge. I have SO many health problems and just simply do not understand...why me. But....I've decided that I can no longer look for answers to "why." I can only live in the now, taking each moment, each hour, each day as it comes.

My days have changed so much. I used to spend each day trying to ramp up my courage and stamina to face a day at work, dealing with extreme fatigue, encountering continuing evidence that I just wasn't keeping up. Now, I realize that I should have been listening long, long ago to what my body was telling me. But, for financial and personal reasons, I just did what I always have done (through divorce, financial problems, and other losses). I just kept on pushing through. Not smart.

So, this is where I am. Disabled - legally. At home, with time to rest, time to think, time to pray, time to spend with my grandchildren, time to knit, time to participate in my church, time to thank God for my many, many blessings. Would I have predicted this when I returned to school for my graduate degree years ago. No. Do I accept where I am, now. Yes. Am I scared about the future. Well, a little. But again, I have so much to be thankful for and that's all I'm gonna say about it!

So, the main reason I've begun this blog is to track my knitting escapades and just generally serve as a documentation of how life is going at this point. I've always been hopelessly bad at keeping up with a journal. Perhaps this formal way will command more of my time and attention in the future. Here's hopin'!

So, right now, I have TOO MANY PROJECTS GOING! Ha! That seems to be my mantra. I also have a craft room so cluttered that my cat likes to go in there and hide. Occasionally, she drags out a skein of yarn and plays with it, as if to remind me that I have THAT yarn in there, waiting to be knitted up. This is Lucy, the queen of the household. She's going on 10 years of age and has not lost any of her playfulness, although she can be quite the pest at times.

Back to the knitting. The main projects at this time include:
1. Socks from Bugga yarn for DH's birthday - I've turned the heel on the second sock so I'm closing in.
2. Another (surprise) pair of socks from Skinny Bugga. This yarn arrived today and is gorgeous. DH was a bit unhappy with #1 when he tried them on because they are so thick. So, I'm hoping this second pair will be thin enough to go in his dress shoes. The yarn is a gorgeous variation of blues (on the darker end of the spectrum) and a little burgundy. Can't wait to start but I have to finish #1 (DO NOT START MORE PROJECTS, DO NOT START MORE PROJECTS, DO NOT START MORE PROJECTS...(repeats to self over and over).
3. Angel dress for my grandbaby Lettie. Lettie will be 1 in April and, I have to admit it, I love, love, love to knit for little baby girls. The yarn is a gorgeous soft blue (bamboo and something else) and is knitting up beautifully. The pattern is from Knit One, Crochet Too. It's really challenging me because of my eyes, but I am determined to get this one done!
4. A second helmet liner for charity knitting. Apparently, the military goofed (that's not news) when they ordered helmet liners in acrylic for our military. Acrylic does not absorb moisture and it melts at high temperatures. So, our church knitting group is participating in this effort. I have enough yarn (Bazic in army green) for 4 liners. One is done and a friend will help with one.
5. Dishcloths - I would like to have more on hand for gifts. I have finished 3, but gave two away already.
6. Myriad single socks (yes, I suffer from Second Sock Syndrome).
and on, and on, and on.

But I'm gonna stop there for today. I have to.....go knit, of course!

Chasing the third chapter...

Getting to old age love

Nightmare on Lake Shore Dr!!!!

My personal, guilty pleasure!

What I'm reading...when I can concentrate

Goodbye, 2010!

It's beginning to look......

Grateful

Today's your birthday!

One clue solved

A sock knit along with Through the Loops

Growing into my Age

Bubbie and the Pea

!!** Whining Alert **!! and other short matters

In my father's words: terrorism and the Muslim faith

For the mother and child reunion is only a motion away

I just figured it out!

Hello, Dolly!

What's the hullabaloo all about?

It's one with a BIG O

29 and the beat goes on...

Songs of Roses

A new addition to the family

It's June and it's Friday!

Will someone one please be honest?

Baby Wes is due soon and his blankie awaits

Mary, Mary, quite contrary; How does your garden grow?

New coffee cup

I believe there is more (my testimony)

I've never been a gossip, but...

the best Saturday morning

A new beginning; and old ending

!! Whining Alert !! and other short matters