New coffee cup

New coffee cup from Cafe Press. I just couldn't resist it, when I saw it. Of course, it isn't true....well, maybe...no. No! It's definitely not true! (hehe)

I believe there is more (my testimony)

My life has been a lot like yours. I've had some wonderful, mountain top experiences. But, I admit there have been times when I’ve heard the phrase, “God never gives you more than you can handle” that I’ve looked up at God, shook my fist, and screamed “I’m not as good at handling this stuff as you think I am. Stop it, already!”

But my life has included some of the big ones: divorce, even though it was not my choice; single parenting; remarriage; a blended family of six children (who were NOT the Brady bunch!); a child custody battle where I lost my then 6 year-old daughter for 6 months; unemployment; foreclosure, holding my stillborn granddaughter in my arms. And some of you may have heard me talk about God’s steadfastness during these trials. How every time I couldn’t figure out how to manage, when things looked so hopeless, God found a way.

E V E R Y S I N G L E T I M E he had a plan in store that was better than I could ever have imagined!

So you may be a little surprised to hear that three years ago, I had forgotten all this. In fact, I had forgotten about so many of my blessings. I was working at the University, overloaded beyond belief, due to budget cuts and demand for services at the community research program I directed. The program took me all over the state of Iowa – something I loved, since my greatest joy was in working WITH people who are affected by public policy, as opposed to making and tracking public policy – the profession I was trained for years ago.

Yes, I was running at top speed. And I was loving (and probably hooked on) the speed and the good feedback I was getting from it. I felt like I had the best of two worlds: work I loved and work that provided a decent living. But, slowly, things began to change. I became overly tired and could never seem to get enough rest. If you ask my husband, he’ll tell you I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around sometimes (don’t shake your head too hard, Richard). I began noticing problems with a tremor in my hands and my head. My balance was changing, I began running into walls, my knees crumbled under me sometimes. Worst of all, in reviewing my work output, I found mistakes in the data analysis and writing that were an integral part of the work I was doing.

My response to all of this – work harder! As the saying goes, “say a prayer, pull up yer bootstraps, and keep on keepin’ on.” Then, on June 21^st, 2008, my world crashed. I couldn’t face work and life anymore. I drove to the parking lot at work, and I couldn’t get out of the car. I couldn’t go on. I felt like I was watching myself, but could ONLY watch. I could not DO anything.

God spoke to me that day and told me to get help. I literally heard him say "Kathlene, go to the hospital!" And I received wonderful help. My husband stood by me in a way that has given me a new faith in him and our marriage. Since then, I’ve been healing…my doctors have found lesions in my brain that pretty well explain the physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms I was and still am experiencing. I have had to learn to live my life at 5 miles per hour, instead of 75. I have had to learn to live with a unknown diagnosis and an uncertain prognosis.

But here’s the issue: As recently as a year ago, even though I knew of God’s love, though I believed I’d lived his plan for my life, I still felt empty a lot of the time. I wondered why God put all of the opportunities -- the work I loved, the scholarships and education I treasured in my path, if he was just going to snatch it all away 20 years later?

My doctors have said I should not return to work. And so I was left with wondering…is that all there is? Is this failure? What’s left?

About a year ago, I asked a friend of mine that very question. What’s the point if so much can be taken away in such a short time? He looked at me and said, “Kathlene, what’s left is love.”

In Psalm 139, we hear “Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast…..For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

In the Balti language of northern Pakistan, there is no word for failure - the closest equivalent translates roughly as "transition." I know that I am in transition now. I continually remind myself of God’s presence in my life through prayer and listening to a daily Bible reading. My life is not over. It’s true I still run into walls occasionally and sometimes come up some weird non sequiturs. My memory is gone, and I usually have to ask my husband what day it is.

Slowing down has helped a lot of my symptoms and I’m happy to say that the number of new brain lesions has slowed dramatically. I am able to play the piano, which gives me so much joy. I have 17 beautiful grandchildren and we’re anticipating the birth of #18 in June. I’m married to an amazing man and I belong to a wonderful community of Christians in this church. I have three wonderful adult children who are married to wonderful, fine partners.

I have SO MANY BLESSINGS!

And I know there is more….

I believe...God has the Power to heal and restore.

I believe he has the power

- to bring miracles into my life and yours,

- to create events so wonderful that we can never begin to

imagine them

- provide blessings so numerous, we could never begin to

remember them or count them.

Yes, today, I believe there is more in store for us all!

Testimony for “I Believe There Is More”

April 24 & 25^th, 2010

First United Methodist Church

Nevada, IA

I've never been a gossip, but...

Had lunch today with a former grad student. Whew! I had no idea what has been happening at the university where I used to work, since I left. First, it sounds like my former department may be on the way out, due to budget cuts. Second, she's been experiencing some of the same symptoms I experienced 2 years ago, has been the "it's all in your head" route, and has finally accepted that she's suffering from work stress and anxiety. She was able to make some changes in her life (and she's 28 years younger than I), so hopefully she's going to be okay.

I'm missing the music. High school music, that is. Yes, it was getting to be a bit of a hassle at the end, but I enjoy working with the students so much. I guess it will give me something to look forward to this fall.

Knitting wise, I'm not making much progress, although I did start a top for myself this week (yeah, yeah, I know. No new projects...but this is so cute!). It's a short sleeve top with crocheted patches on the front and back yoke. ( think I just put a picture of it in this post, but I've never done this before.) The patches are supposed to be knitted, but the instructions were so complicated, I switched to a crocheted patch and it's going very fast.

I had a tooth pulled earlier this week and it still hurts like crazy. I think it should be better by now, but will give it another day before I call the oral surgeon.

This weekend is our contemporary cantata at church. A lot of people have felt that this set of music was too simple, but it is a set of contemporary tunes (many of them familiar) and contemporary tends to be a little more simple. However, that said, our choir director has woven them together with some very meaningful readings and testimonies (I'm doing one of the testimonies). I saw the dress rehearsal last night and wow! I think this is really going to lift people up.

Getting through my own testimony was hard. It was hard to put my whole history over the past two years out there, and even harder to talk about my faith. The testimony comes just before a song titled, I Believe There Is More, and that really is the just of what I say. I may post it here after the event this weekend. There were several people crying when I got done last night and the director gave me the thumbs up sign, so I guess I did okay. I just hope I can get through two performances this weekend without breaking down, myself.

Well, I'd better hit the bed. No nap today, and I am dragging. Richard is working tomorrow and Saturday, so I may be able to do some catching up.

Oh...what's that I hear? The frogs have begun the evening symphony on the lake. I may have to sit quietly in the dark on the screened porch and listen to that for a few minutes before I fall asleep!

the best Saturday morning

We got up early this morning (6 am, early for a Saturday, anyway) and went to breakfast at Brueggers. Then hit grocery, health food store and library before coming back home. DH is going to head out on Monday to help our son-in-law again with the house he and our daughter are remodeling and selling. SIL, Mike, had hoped to be nearly done by now, but has fallen behind since DH left a couple of weeks ago and Mike's employer is saying he can come back to work anytime. So, DH will spend about 3 weeks there. It's a good deal, it keeps him busy, and he gets to spend some extra time with our grandchildren, a rare opportunity since they are teenagers now.

So, I will be batching it again for awhile. Just me and the kitties! Not looking forward to it, but I understand DH is probably going to go stir crazy if he doesn't find something to do pretty quick. And the extra $$ help with him still on layoff.

So...to continue the WIP (works in progress) list (you didn't think I was done did you? )
8. Blanket for new grandson, who is due in late May. I also have yarn to make a matching hoodie.
9. Cream, lace top started last summer from Knit Picks cotton yarn in a cream color. This is a very pretty top, and I really want to get it done before summer begins. It would be nice with slacks for church.
10. Knitting for the Etsy shop I'm still considering. This is a tough decision right now. I am so backed up with WIPs, but I find I abhor the thought of knitting for some unknown person. When I pick up my needles to knit something, it's usually for someone I love. That's the motivating factor, above all. So, I really don't know if this Etsy shop is going to be a great idea for me, although the extra $$ would come in handy.

Our church choir is again doing a cantata. This time, it's a much more contemporary collection of praise songs from a book called "I believe there is more." Jo, our choir director, asked me to give a testimony and I finally believe I am ready to do this. In fact, the title song will fit nicely with the theme of my testimony. More on this later.

For now, it's laundry day. Need to help DH get ready for his trip and get back to knitting his second sock. I did test the new Skinny Bugga I purchased for his second pair of socks, by knitting a swatch last night. Using #1 (2.25) double points, I nearly got gauge for the pattern I will be using, Anne Hanson's Longjohn Socks (click on link to see pattern website). The yarn, Sanguine Gryphon's Seaside Dragonlet knitted up much thinner and should satisfy HRH interest in a thinner sock that can go in his dress shoes.

Gotta go. The morning is nearly gone!

A new beginning; and old ending

The last two years have been a difficult time. Not the MOST difficult, mind you. But, hitting rock bottom, finding out you have the brain of a woman 10-12 years older, that something is literally turning your brain to "mush" has been a challenge. I have SO many health problems and just simply do not understand...why me. But....I've decided that I can no longer look for answers to "why." I can only live in the now, taking each moment, each hour, each day as it comes.

My days have changed so much. I used to spend each day trying to ramp up my courage and stamina to face a day at work, dealing with extreme fatigue, encountering continuing evidence that I just wasn't keeping up. Now, I realize that I should have been listening long, long ago to what my body was telling me. But, for financial and personal reasons, I just did what I always have done (through divorce, financial problems, and other losses). I just kept on pushing through. Not smart.

So, this is where I am. Disabled - legally. At home, with time to rest, time to think, time to pray, time to spend with my grandchildren, time to knit, time to participate in my church, time to thank God for my many, many blessings. Would I have predicted this when I returned to school for my graduate degree years ago. No. Do I accept where I am, now. Yes. Am I scared about the future. Well, a little. But again, I have so much to be thankful for and that's all I'm gonna say about it!

So, the main reason I've begun this blog is to track my knitting escapades and just generally serve as a documentation of how life is going at this point. I've always been hopelessly bad at keeping up with a journal. Perhaps this formal way will command more of my time and attention in the future. Here's hopin'!

So, right now, I have TOO MANY PROJECTS GOING! Ha! That seems to be my mantra. I also have a craft room so cluttered that my cat likes to go in there and hide. Occasionally, she drags out a skein of yarn and plays with it, as if to remind me that I have THAT yarn in there, waiting to be knitted up. This is Lucy, the queen of the household. She's going on 10 years of age and has not lost any of her playfulness, although she can be quite the pest at times.

Back to the knitting. The main projects at this time include:
1. Socks from Bugga yarn for DH's birthday - I've turned the heel on the second sock so I'm closing in.
2. Another (surprise) pair of socks from Skinny Bugga. This yarn arrived today and is gorgeous. DH was a bit unhappy with #1 when he tried them on because they are so thick. So, I'm hoping this second pair will be thin enough to go in his dress shoes. The yarn is a gorgeous variation of blues (on the darker end of the spectrum) and a little burgundy. Can't wait to start but I have to finish #1 (DO NOT START MORE PROJECTS, DO NOT START MORE PROJECTS, DO NOT START MORE PROJECTS...(repeats to self over and over).
3. Angel dress for my grandbaby Lettie. Lettie will be 1 in April and, I have to admit it, I love, love, love to knit for little baby girls. The yarn is a gorgeous soft blue (bamboo and something else) and is knitting up beautifully. The pattern is from Knit One, Crochet Too. It's really challenging me because of my eyes, but I am determined to get this one done!
4. A second helmet liner for charity knitting. Apparently, the military goofed (that's not news) when they ordered helmet liners in acrylic for our military. Acrylic does not absorb moisture and it melts at high temperatures. So, our church knitting group is participating in this effort. I have enough yarn (Bazic in army green) for 4 liners. One is done and a friend will help with one.
5. Dishcloths - I would like to have more on hand for gifts. I have finished 3, but gave two away already.
6. Myriad single socks (yes, I suffer from Second Sock Syndrome).
and on, and on, and on.

But I'm gonna stop there for today. I have to.....go knit, of course!